


Poems I Happen to Write When I Emotion

by mandorable



Category: Original Work
Genre: I like my poems like I like my roller coasters I hate them and they make me cry, This shit gets really angsty I am sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-08
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2017-12-22 19:07:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 5,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/916955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandorable/pseuds/mandorable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poems ranging from the shitty to the mediocre. Watch out I might make you cry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Poems About Poems

I might not see rhymes  
Not that I mind  
Because those words on that screen  
Have they're own special scheme  
And No matter the words  
And no matter the time  
Those words on that screen are simply divine  
If I were a cat  
And those words were a mat  
Well me the cat  
I'd sleep on that mat  
And I'd purr and purr  
Because that mat  
Though not always soft and not always warm  
Is simply  
So simply  
The best place for a nap  
If those words on that screen were a show on tv  
I would be that old lady  
Who had nothing better to do  
But watch the ladies on tv  
Who giveaway all kinds of things  
And drink water from coffee mugs  
If those words were the last words I'd ever see  
I'd be happy  
So happy  
Even if they didn't rhyme  
Or made me cry  
Even if they made me mad  
Or made me glad  
I'd be happy  
So happy


	2. Agatha

When I tell people I'm never getting married  
They say I'll change my mind  
When I say I don't like kids  
They tell me I lie  
When I state that I'll live alone  
They mumble about me being lonely  
But when I see families  
Happy couples  
And little kids with dimples  
I know if I could  
I would start a family  
I'd have a daughter who I sang songs with  
Or played candy land on weekends in the middle of the night  
I wouldn't mind chasing monsters (and boys) away and promise to keep her safe  
I wouldn't care if there was someone there to share everything with  
I'd buy a bigger house so I could live with a spouse  
I'd cook dinner and take them out to silly places  
I'd say sickeningly romantic things about roses, hearts, and their eyes  
I'd get a dog  
And maybe a cat  
I'd have a big car to fit a family in  
I'd go to reunions and catch up with cousins  
I'd met in-laws and have them meet mine  
I would be the average person married with 2.5 kids  
But I know I'm not worth it and that I'd cause those hopes and dreams to die  
That's why when I tell people I'm never getting married  
And they say I'll change my mind  
When I say I don't like kids  
And they tell me I lie  
When I state that I'll live alone  
And they mumble about me being lonely  
I just shrug my shoulders and say let's talk about this some other time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't want kids I just want a baby girl to name Agatha


	3. As Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really fucked up the pattern ignore that, no offense to those who I happen to not match in intelligence. You deserve to learn too. And sorry for sounding so brutally serious when I vaguely mentioned the fact I read fics, and that I sound like a huge baby.

The teacher asks a question  
I raise my hand to answer as always  
The teacher ignores me and picks on a dumb kid   
He doesn't know the answer as always  
I lower my hand as the teacher answers the question  
I give an agitated sigh as always  
The bell rings for break and the class files out of the room  
I get books for my next three classes as always  
I make it back a minute before the late bell rings  
I put my books in order and sit back for the rest of class as always  
The bell rings again and I go to leave  
The teacher calls my name and tells me to read a book unusual  
I say ok I'll read it  
And the teacher smiles unusual  
I leave the room and head to choir  
I talk more in class than usual  
And the teacher notices me more  
I laugh and smile with my friends  
And one day when we're discussing plot patterns  
We're on the pattern "From Bad to Worse"   
I raise my hand and get called on first  
I say my life and I hear a few chuckles from behind me  
He says it's too early to say that  
And my friends laugh like I'm joking  
I say that I was  
But there's nights that they don't know about  
Fights, wounds, names, and scars they don't know about  
I laugh and smile and talk more in class  
I cry and frown and distance myself more at home  
I let the knots in my gut from over thinking settle in for a night without sleep  
I bite my hand so no one can hear me cry  
I keep the tv on because I'm afraid of the dark  
I use the same blankets over and over again  
I use my phone to write venting poems  
I distract myself with my favorite homosexuals  
I turn on a white noise machine  
And settle in for a night without sleep as always


	4. Anything

I think someday I'll be a scientist  
And decode man kind's genetics  
Maybe I'll be a doctor  
And give out vaccines   
Possibly join the military  
I could be a Marine  
I might want to become an artist  
Who sells their paintings on the streets  
There could be a restaurant  
That sells all kinds of cuisine  
For a while I might go to college  
And get a respectable education  
Maybe I might go back to school  
But this time to teach  
I could be a carpenter  
And help build houses for people in need  
I could be anything really  
But if I had a someone  
Who could be anything too  
Instead choose to be mine  
I wouldn't care if being being theirs  
Meant i could not worry about genetics  
Or doctor-y things  
Or asking how high I should jump  
Or the color I ran out of  
Or how much money I'll need to pay my employees  
Instead just them  
It'd be quite okay to live like that  
Because sometimes all I really want to be  
Is loved.


	5. The Muse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I forget I'm not supposed to sound like I'm gay for my best friend.

For a long time I didn't know what a muse was  
I heard a music playing man talk about his  
I got the picture but it still confused me  
I got inspiration from many things  
But having a muse would be nice  
I sat and thought  
Then I realized I already had one  
A good friend of mine  
Who I wrote for  
I would listen to my favorite songs and imagine colorful animations  
Of my muse and I doing silly things  
Like dancing in the park with flower crowns  
Or drinking expensive coffees in a big city  
They inspired my art  
Their face a masterpiece  
And anything they said seemed to get stuck in my head  
I smiled and thought  
How lucky I am to have a muse


	6. Lovesick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No seriously guys someone please tell me that it doesn't seem like I'm not after my friend's dick.

A few days ago  
I stayed curled up in blankets  
I had a cold and I felt pretty bad  
So that might explain  
The fact that I feel like I got a fever  
Not y'know my face feeling too hot  
From blushing because of you  
The butterflies I have  
Must just be indigestion  
The reason I'm sore is just another symptom  
Not pain from the bruises I got  
From falling for you  
The burning in my throat  
Is just a virus  
Not the fact that I might have rubbed it raw  
Because I always find the little silly things you say hilarious  
But if you're truly the cause  
I'm going to prove you wrong  
Because I have a headache  
That smarts like I got kicked  
And I hope it's not because of you


	7. Lazy Days

I never really liked lazy days  
Because I can't keep track of time  
And I never eat enough  
If I'm lucky I'll remember  
Breakfast and maybe Supper  
I end up wasting too much time  
Doing dumb, meaningless things  
I end up cuddly and drowsily content  
I like to make people smile  
And laugh  
And have a good time  
Like a cat I tend to nap a lot  
I usually end up half-asleep  
When I wake up from one  
That lasted an hour or two  
I like to think of a happy future  
Spent eating ramen  
In a small apartment  
Mostly with friends  
Maybe with a lover  
But mostly with friends  
It's usually warm  
Or blanket filled  
And my whole world gets fuzzy  
That's why I never really liked to have  
Lazy days  
I'm just too happy  
And too in love with living  
On lazy days


	8. Nosey

I don't know why  
But whenever I talk to you  
I imagine the smell of my favorite comfort food  
That's all I have to connect with your name  
And honestly it isn't that bad  
(At least in my opinion)  
I really would much rather  
Have you smell like something solid and rich  
But isn't able to drown out everything else  
Something that reminds me  
Of one of those cute guys  
I see around town  
Or in the fancy photographs on tumblr  
Of smiles, ink stained hands, and quiet walks in the park full of hand holding and shy kisses  
I don't know why I'm worried so much about how you smell  
I just really hope you don't stink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jfc I am a gaylord.


	9. Shot of Expresso in My Whiskey, Please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I might've tried to start rapping in this I don't know, still pretty sure I'm going after my friend

I really wish  
This damn coffee was  
Therapeutic  
Cuz I need a little bit more than  
Prescription smiles  
Pill form  
Concentrate  
I don't really like coffee though  
It leaves a cruddy  
Bitter taste  
In my mouth  
Sort of like that time  
I fell in love with a  
Sweet smile  
That liked to lie  
Maybe instead that  
Smooth Asian  
Chai tea  
Can dampen  
The vibrations I feel  
Under my skin  
Sooth that  
Stutter  
In my chest  
And keep that aching pain  
From squeezing my ribs  
Till tears spike my eyes  
I need something more than  
Liquid courage  
This isn't the first time  
But see  
Ma says I'm too young  
To be chasin' the devils wine  
I would kind of rather  
Loose lips  
And  
Kinky knees  
Than a head full  
Like a hive of bees  
And an anchor's weight  
In the bottom  
Of my stomach  
But I still got my  
Daily dose  
Of good times  
Because there's this one guy  
We got  
Thousands  
Of miles between us  
But every time we talk  
It's like I don't have to worry  
Just keep looking at a  
Hypnotizing smile  
And listen to the greatest pal  
Even if my friend-fueled high  
Doesn't last all night  
I still get a buzz from just  
Thinking about all the fun times  
We had  
Miles  
And miles  
Apart


	10. Leopard Print Sheets

I like my blankets  
And I really  
Really love  
My full  
12 hours of sleep  
I'm an addict  
Apparently  
Cuz I got friends  
Runnin' on  
Three  
Hours  
And they don't eat breakfast  
I eat a lot  
Like the man on the tv says to  
Maybe I'm just a glutton  
But who really cares  
I don't have much better do  
Because sleeping and eating  
Is better than thinking  
And usually better than hurting


	11. Shots of Saline Water

Tracing patterns in the smoke  
Fingers itching for that  
First sip of beer  
That won't ever come  
Maybe a cigarette  
Can calm down this  
Perpetual high of  
Severe regret  
And doubt  
Hoping that I don't get caught  
Chugging a bud light in the corner  
Maybe I could sit idly by  
Let people use me  
Then act like I don't matter  
Next end up in a stupor  
Forget the night  
I cut a line  
And spilt my guts


	12. Not Quite the Girl Next Door

I don't get why I'm so sad  
It makes me so angry sometimes  
Because I've become a person  
That I hate  
So  
Very  
Very  
Much  
I let my emotions fester  
Like some freak  
I don't ask for help  
And I get mad  
When no one helps me  
It's really the stupidest thing  
To think  
That someone would help  
A person who's dying  
If they pretend they're not  
I shout and get frustrated  
When someone misinterprets  
My most often kind intentions  
Or labels me wrong  
I cringe in on myself  
When I see my friends happy  
With a boyfriend or girlfriend  
All I want is to be like them  
To worry about dumb things  
Like do my shoes  
Match my shirt  
Not   
Will I have enough reasons  
In my life  
To persuade me that maybe  
A knife  
A gun  
A jump  
A pill  
Just isn't a good thing  
That maybe that neighbor boy  
Who looks at me  
And judges how  
My body is shaped  
Who and what I am  
Might fall in love with me  
If I can just lie to myself a little


	13. I Wish I Wasn't an Atheist

I really wished  
That who and what I am  
Was so much more socially acceptable  
Because I just really want to love somebody  
And I don't really care if my recent crush  
Probably isn't gay  
So if I explained it all to him  
He'd probably never look me in the eye again  
Even if I just love his smile  
And the way his pretty blue eyes crinkle when he laughs  
That his nose is a little too big that it looks a little awkward  
Then I remember death is a thing  
That all this is useless  
I'm so afraid  
That I'm gonna be left alone  
And I'll be stuck  
With this constant sense of doom  
That I just can't shake  
I need a pair of warm arms and soft words  
If only just for a little bit  
I'll even lie to get it  
I  
Just  
Need  
My   
Fucking  
Fix  
Please  
Just somebody love me  
And actually fucking mean it  
Before I kill myself  
Or someone else  
Because this pain is getting too hard to shake  
And no one would blame me if I did something about it  
Even if this problems temporary  
I wouldn't mind a permanent solution  
It feels like some strongman got a hold of my heart  
And is turning it into applesauce  
I'm sick to my stomach  
And all I want to do is quit  
But it's always there  
And it's too  
Fucking  
Hard  
To shake off


	14. No Homo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally address the fact that I act like I had fallen for my best friend, and then encourage it because I am so fucking gay.

After the point where you realized that you compared us to all your favorite not quite there couples, you stopped  
Not that I should care really  
Because that's way too homo for our bromance right  
We're not supposed to seem like two characters who people think are chasing after each other's dicks  
Because you have a girlfriend  
And I think I have a boyfriend  
So comparing us to them  
Isn't a good thing  
But it's still nice  
Because you come up with all these stories after you mention the similarities  
And I always get a kick  
Because you make it so much easier  
To take the roles  
And put you and I in their place  
I've seen us kill demons and sell our souls for each other  
I've seen us solve murders and live in a flat share  
I've seen us live in a castle and rule a kingdom together  
I've seen us fight aliens,  
Meet up in coffee shops,  
Fight in the rain,  
And in every story  
There is the same friendship at work  
A rad bromance like ours  
I think that's why you make a lot of comparisons


	15. Long Walk on Cracked Pavement

It was foggy when I woke up  
Outside wasn't that cold so I didn't mind  
I couldn't sit on the porch because it was wet  
And I was going to school  
I was thinking about the next work I should read on my bus rides  
That's when I get most of my reading done  
I checked out a book that I thought I liked  
It made me angry and I pretended to forget about it  
I remember that a family friend is coming over  
And I remember how much I love their daughter  
Even if she isn't that nice of a person  
And doesn't seem to want to be my friend  
But still doesn't want to share me  
I like it when she lets me cuddle with her  
She's always warm  
But sometimes I get too hot  
She doesn't like the cold  
I happen to like it  
I'm just a very protective friend  
My bus pulls up  
I think about moving to Europe with some friends  
Her maybe  
But she'd end up killing me somehow  
Instead I invite my small clan of friends  
They seem excited at first  
But when I bring it up again they all said they had said no  
They had said yes  
That reminds me of all the times I remember things people have said  
But then they say they didn't say it  
I insist  
And so do they  
I shrug and try to be cool  
I don't have a good memory anyway  
I say something bad in class  
And it follows me home  
I want to apologize  
But I'm afraid I'll stumble over my words  
I do that a lot  
Sometimes I don't filter if I'm up on the spot  
And I say not so good things  
Or I can't speak so I just make noises  
I have to concentrate really hard to read aloud  
If I don't pay attention I say the wrong words  
That's why I like using text to talk  
Because I always have time to think about what to say  
I can always check my spelling  
And it's always easy to fix what I say  
I get home and I'm tired  
But I'm always tired  
I take a really long nap  
And wake up drowsy  
My throat's sore  
I drink some iced tea and sugary cherry juice  
It hurts a lot  
But I like the taste too much to want to care  
Because it kind of feels nice  
Friends are over  
I say hi  
Sit out for a while  
They sip beers  
I ache for a drink  
Maybe I'll feel better if I drank a shot of whiskey  
Or whatever that stuff was I had that one time  
When mom was too drunk to care  
That I had eight capfuls  
And more were given to me  
I refused them because I knew if mom remembered in the morning  
She would be mad  
The daughter tells me about her new boyfriend  
A kid named Max  
He's just like me and I get a little mad  
She doesn't like me because I'm not quite a man  
If you didn't know I have lady junk in my pants  
I told her before that I'm still enough of a guy  
I told everyone  
But I didn't want to get mad when they forgot  
Because I have bad memory too  
And they had tests to focus on  
I didn't need too though  
Because I have good memory when it comes to learning things  
Especially about the people who I care for  
Or at least I like to think so  
I went back inside and tried to sleep  
But the nap from earlier kept me up  
I had nothing to do  
And I got bored of being a little tired  
Without sleeping  
I wish I could take medicine to help  
Along with other things  
But we're not good on money  
And that mom doesn't want to pay for a therapist  
It's not like I'm killing myself  
Right  
I just promise myself that I'll fix all of it later  
Then come home and show them  
Just how much better I am  
But I know it won't happen  
Because I'm too scared  
That I'll lose everyone I love  
Even if they made promises to stay near  
It's foggy when I wake up


	16. Some Things Need to Stop

There are a lot of things that put me down  
That make me want to give up  
Because I don't think I'm good enough  
I used to not really have much of a reason to make myself believe otherwise  
Until about two years ago when I met someone  
They told me all their fears and secrets  
And I told them mine  
I held their hand through rough patches  
And they held mine  
And we guided each other through storms of black emotions  
Life seemed so dangerous before them  
It still does now  
But now  
I have a reason to believe in myself  
I have a reason to never give up  
I have an extremely important person that I'd do absolutely  
/Anything/   
for  
I'd give up everything I had to make sure they'd make it out of the stage of teenage misery  
So I could be there  
To make sure life was as good as it could be  
Because they worked so hard  
And they deserved it so much


	17. I Don't Mean to Regret Outbursts Like That I Just Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's 1 am and I had a fight with someone important to me about 7 hours ago. I felt bad about getting mad even though it was probably a good thing I did. I need to stop feeling guilt for things that I shouldn't feel guilty about.

I know you know I'm sorry  
Or at least I hope you do  
Saying sorry too much  
It's one of the problems you've pointed out  
I just wanted to let you know that I'm trying to fix them  
We just have to be more patient with each other  
Because I know you're fixing things too  
So I am sorry that I got snappy at you  
And that I didn't voice a fear of mine correctly  
Which led to the misunderstanding  
That made me stressed and nervous  
And then made you shout  
I just want you to understand  
That I all I really meant was that  
I am very comfortable having you as close a friend  
As you are to me now  
And there are moments that I fear  
That you'll find someone to replace me  
That is okay because I need to grow up and move on sometimes  
It is okay because you're your own person  
And my attachment to you is unhealthy  
I'm gonna try to fix that too.


	18. Faith of the Lambhearted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean for this one to happen.

He compares himself to the rest of the growing world,

Unlike the hordes of hunters,

He has learned to be the prey,

His grandfather taught him to walk silent,

Not knowing he would never use it for what it was intended,

Compared to the rest of the growing world,

He is small,

Able to hide in crowds but never see over their shoulders to find what happens next,

He has learned to walk blindly and silently,

To hide where there is nowhere to hide,

Because he still has his milk teeth,

And he still cries at night to be loved by his mother like she used to,

He misses her calming touch when thunder made him jump from his skin,

When he could not help but cry because that was the only thing he knew to do,

When he didn’t know what the empty feeling in his chest meant,

Even if it was only those few years in the beginning before he realized,

Boys his age did not want to die,

Boys his age were not supposed to understand death,

Boys his age were never ever supposed to think that they could do nothing useful in their lives,

But only to continue living because he had made friends at this new school,

And he knew his mom loved him even though sometimes it was hard to tell,

He never meant to fear the unknown,

Never meant to not be able to be alone for too long of a time in quiet,

Because he would think until the point he was nauseated that he felt hallow,

He never meant to get attached like he did,

He never meant to learn that codependency is an evil and jealous thing,

That the possibility of live without his special bundle of depression with a dash of suicide risk,

He never meant to love someone more than he loved his mom,

Because she may have never known what was going on,

But she still bought his lunch for the week like he was going to last that long.


	19. Emily's Italian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on a half-true story

It was the sixth grade,  
And you met her in choir,  
Her last name began with a W,  
She had glasses, and spacers, and dimples, and hazel eyes,  
And she smiled at you for the first time on a Tuesday afternoon,  
The third week of school,  
It was too humid and just warm  
enough to make your armpits stick together,  
But your choir sections sang the part right.  
Two weeks later you are choir buddies,  
Your voices are mimics and you're both the right mix of leader and follower,  
That you power the rest of the section,  
But without her you crumble,  
The teacher notices that,  
He makes sure to not yell as much when she's gone.  
Two months later you are good friends,  
Before the bell rings to start class you gossip,  
One day she tells you she is learning Italian,  
Nothing had ever been more interesting.  
You start abandoning your old friends to instead sit with her at lunch.  
She would teach you a couple words every once in a while,  
You never are able to remember them the next day,  
She becomes your spine,  
And you both call out weak links to the choir teacher everyday after class.  
You only ever talk about her to your used-to-be friends,  
They like her too,  
Only not as much.  
She breaks the news three weeks before school ends,  
Moving.  
The second to last day she scribbles her phone number,  
Tells you to call her over the summer,  
Parents would love to meet you,  
Dad's been wondering,  
I'm gonna miss you.  
You skip the last day of school.  
You sit with your friends-again in the seventh grade,  
Your friend Annie reminded you a little too much of her,  
instead you made new friends and sat with them for the rest of the year,  
You made friends with a girl named Lizzie in your English,  
She would share her twenty pound purse full of sharpies with you.  
Eighth grade is spent sitting with all your old and new friends,  
You have successfully glued together a safety net,  
But the day Annie's boyfriend sits at your table,  
And he smiles to much like /her/,  
You realized that the bubble stomach and the odd fog you felt those years ago,  
Were butterfly's,  
A purr in your heart,  
And a buzzing head,  
You loved her.  
You got to pick of three languages to take in highschool,  
French,  
Spanish,  
Italian,  
You don't dare check off Italian,  
That is /her/ language,  
Her's and her's only,  
You check French,  
Because your friend already taught you to say I love you in it.  
You come home,  
And stare at the number you never called,  
But pinned to the wall,  
"Emily W."


	20. You're Too Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1/2 of a story poem thing

The first year in the new house was unsettling,  
It had given the both of us too much space to fill,  
The king mattress that replaced our old queen bed,  
Let you spread out on your own side,  
Leaving me to cuddle with the dog,  
We didn't have to share a dresser or closet anymore,  
So you didn't accidentally wear my clothes anymore,  
And I'd have to hope you mis-sorted laundry when it was your turn,  
So I could wear that seven year old band tee with the paint splatters on it,  
The kitchen table was three times as big with six chairs,  
And two stools were pushed against a counter,  
So we didn't eat breakfast on the coffee table,  
Knees banging each others and elbows spilling a hundred glasses of juice,  
The living room had enough space to have more than a love seat,  
Our new couch gives you room to sprawl and still not touch me,  
I didn't bump into you getting ready in the morning,  
And I lost the dog five times,  
I missed when we lived in the old, five-hundred dollar rental apartment,  
Because that was when we could live on a box of Bisquik, a bag of frozen chicken breasts, two bags of baby carrots, a jug of milk and juice, and ten apples for a month,  
And you didn't ask me to stop packing your lunch because you bought lean cuisines,  
Since Betty From Work noticed you gained weight,  
Before I tore apart my six pack of shaving razors,  
Hid them in my drawers since we don't share a dresser anymore,  
I didn't even have to bother hiding the scratches,  
Because you had space,  
And that smell you complained about for a week last month,  
The dog died in the back of the extra bedroom,  
Behind your box of band posters.


	21. The New Dog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2/2

After I dumped a couple of gallons of vinegar,  
On that dog shaped stain in the carpet,  
Ready to vomit,  
Half because I hated the smell of vinegar,  
Half because I knew what this meant,  
I knew what that black bag out back meant,  
Under that willow tree,  
You said you knew I loved,  
(Which was your own lie you made up,  
Because you finally noticed something different in the sticky-hot August weather,  
And you felt guilty for the dog  
But not for the scars),  
So when you brought a yipping cardboard box home,  
I shattered plates and threatened you,  
I pulled my hair and screeched to all and any gods,  
That I hated them,  
Because that was not what I loved,  
It was an impostor,  
And you had called my mom,  
Left the house,  
And spent the night at hers,  
Leaving the box,  
And with gentle fists full of baby warmth,  
I put it in the old dog crate with a stack of newspapers I kept from our old place,  
Tore apart the too big bed,  
Taking a nest with me to the willow tree,  
Where I prayed to the earth below that it lay gentle with my heart,  
Because I blamed the dog,  
For how much I hated you,  
For not needing me like I needed you.


	22. Tiger's Den

I can't help but stutter,  
And grimace,  
Because you're too perfect,  
And heart felt,  
It takes me ten minutes to reply to a message,  
Not because I don't want to talk to you,  
I just can't let myself screw this up,  
My knees are bruised,  
And my heart is erratic,  
If you said you liked me,  
I'd be ecstatic,  
But I'll just play it like I'm the confused kid for now,  
Because if I pretend I don't know what I'm doing,  
You won't push me away.


	23. Olè

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've got another ex I wrote poems about being upset over, enjoy

I am quite literally a bull in a china shoppe,  
I hold a disgusting trend,  
Of royally fucking up the things I work so hard on,  
I've seen broken plate metaphors twice now,  
From two people,  
At this point all I've become capable of,  
Is shattering the good things I manage to scrounge up,  
After several,  
Yes I forgive you's,  
But this is not okay's,  
You'd think I could manage to fix myself,  
And pull it together,  
Fuck that,  
Let me just ruin this more,  
Not enough jagged plate pieces on the floor.

I am too clumsy to be trusted with myself,  
And it is obvious at this point,  
I cannot be trusted with anyone else either.


	24. I Only Write Free Verse Poetry: Part A

I stopped believing in fate a few months ago,  
My naive ideals for how the universe functioned are illogical,  
Predestination is a lie,  
But I really do hope,  
Our paths are some odd function,  
Where they intersect for a steady time,  
Or at least lay closely parallel,  
To keep you within reach


	25. I Only Write Free Verse Poetry: Part B

Even though the world is constantly changing,  
And we are too,  
I wish to join you on the crazy ride called life,  
Because you are one of the greatest people I have ever encountered,  
And I want to make sure to have a front row seat for when you rock the world


	26. Self Expression at It's Worst

Lips tremble and hearts ache,  
But as the days pass I am becoming more numb to self expression,  
I do honestly feel everything deeply,  
I want to scream at how frequently I feel my heart shattering,  
Even the moments when it's not catastrophic,  
But my previous ability to let my feelings leak out like dams burst,  
Is completely broken,  
Most days it is like I am moving tons of bricks,  
It takes months to pick up on the pattern,  
That I am twenty steps behind being just okay,  
And two away from jumping off into the deep end,  
Despite being quite literally terrified of what lies in the inky water.

I keep cutting off the strong ropes that stretch across my safety net,  
As fast as I try to make amends,  
Add new but weak strings,  
I am letting myself sink lower and lower,  
The task of keeping myself with the world of the living,  
Is becoming insufferable,  
Unbearable,  
50 shades of why the fuck does it have to be me,  
Why do I have to hurt,  
I thought I was doing okay.


	27. I Can Never Blame You for Indifference

Someone being toxic to me means they purposely hurt others,  
They manipulate,  
And knowingly deceive and betray others,  
I never realized it could be accidental,  
A disturbingly oblivious habit,  
I never realized that it could be me.

Familiarity with something that probably seemed beautiful until tarnished by true colors,  
Could possibly be deadly,  
This I know,  
Something clutched dearly with such powerful sentiment that once the stains formed,  
They felt like hot iron to touch,  
I never realized that others felt this from me,  
Feeling it so often I thought I was immune to becoming it,  
I never realized it could be me.

Avoiding all and any possibility of fondness,  
Is not cruel,  
Mostly humane for both parties,  
Like two massive galaxies dragging each other into destruction,  
It is most wise to keep a cautious distance,  
I can never blame you for indifference.


End file.
